THE REAL YOU 3

CONTINUATION OF ‘THE REAL YOU’

Penultimate Episode.

Based on father’s lifestyle, I set 3 criteria to use in my choice of a spouse. I tested the men I dated by offering them cigarettes as though I also do the sticks and went as far as buying them alcoholic drinks. It was hard to find men who wouldn’t fall short of at least one of the two. So I ditched them as soon as they faltered. The few men who weren’t found wanting at all still had mothers, so they didn’t meet standard.

Considering the role my paternal grandmother played in my parent's marriage, I couldn’t just settle for a man whose mother was still alive. Those disagreements in which my nosey-parker Grannie was in the know, she was always quick to pick side with her son. She influenced many of father’s behavior. “You are a man, a man is the head of the house. He must be in charge at all times. Leave the reins of control to women and they will mess things up. You let them go one mile, they go ten,” she says.
And as for mother, all she always got was “My wife, you must have wronged him for him to have beaten you this much.”
If mother had not hidden her pain from her own family side, maybe she wouldn’t have been taken away in her prime. Well, that’s by the way.
After much search, I eventually got a husband for myself; one who met the three criteria to no fault. He sat by a table not too far from mine at a friend's wedding. I became curious when I noticed all he had before him was a bottle of water and a plate of salad while the men around him called for assorted drinks: Gulder, Star, Guinness, Heineken and the likes. Acting like one of those in charge of drinks, I went over to him and asked what he would like to have. Then he made me realize at best, he takes soft drinks and was okay with the water before him. Like the tempter, I left him for a while and came back again. This time, I took a seat and struck a conversion.

“Which of the couple are you related to?”

“The groom, he is a colleague of mine.”

We talked at length at the event. There, I got to know he doesn’t smoke as well and was not just motherless but was an orphan, raised at an orphanage home. ‘A perfect catch, Yippee!’ I leaped for joy within. And that was how the journey that led to the altar began.

My husband was a simple man who loved me the way I was. He tolerated my many excesses.

Even though I was making almost 3times his monthly salary, I wasn’t going to let any man take me for a ride. I could take care of myself, but as for the care of our son, it was his sole responsibility to shoulder. After all, he was the one who clamored for a child. Left to me, I would go the next 5 years after marriage without any. Keeping myself in shape and enjoying my life without add-ons was all that mattered to me at that time. All I just contribute to are petty things like toiletries and food stuffs. Electricity bills and water bills were also his' to handle. When all that had been taken from his salary, he was usually left with very little for his upkeep, so he worked almost round the clock trying to be a man and meet up his responsibility.

As for Bedroom Affairs, I was very conscious of my body, so wouldn't want any man coming at me at just any time, galloping over me like a flushed cowboy. Therefore, I was in charge, on top always, setting the time and pace. It also depended on my mood. If I was in the mood, he should count himself lucky I was making my body available to him. If I wasn’t, he had better go hug his pillow.
My husband was a gentle man to the core. Even if he wasn’t, I knew he wouldn’t dare force himself on me. I wielded the law for all men, himself inclusive. So he knew not to overstep his bounds. I was sure he wouldn’t want to ask for divorce either because I will so milk him dry with alimony.

Few Months after we have had our son, I became more consumed with my work. I hardly had time for the boy not to talk of his father. He spends a good part of the day at the crèche. So I needed a nanny for him, who would also serve as a housekeeper, particularly preparing my husband’s meal. There had been occurrences of husbands making out with their housemaids. Though I wasn’t satisfying my husband in bed, I wasn’t ready for such experience that would be added to the lots. So he doesn’t use my inadequacies against me, I went for a housekeeper two years older than both our ages combined. I was 27years old then, and he, a year older. At least making out with a woman old enough to be his mother wouldn’t come easy to him.
I had nothing against his meeting his urges with other women; after all, I also had colleagues who hit on me and If I was interested, I played along based on my terms. But definitely not under my roof.

While I was seated before the mirror on that eye-opening, fateful day in retrospect, I came to certain understanding.
In fear, I had only succeeded in running into the hands of the fear I ran from- being like father. And as fate would have it, I married the person of my mother for a husband; easygoing, gentle but passive. In other words, mother and father's personality were still very much alive even though they were both dead, they only switched sides in my husband and I.

Well, I wasn’t going to be like that man whom after observing himself in the mirror, went away, forgetting at once what he looked like.
Now that I have seen my real self, I was ready to make amends. I was going to start by pleading my husband’s forgiveness, and in submission, let him act as the husband and head of his household. Straight away, I went for my mobile phone. I was about dialing his number when a call came through, it was a strange number. I picked and was told my husband had suffered a heart attack at worked and had been rushed to a hospital.

On the ward bed where he laid, My husband was almost unrecognizable in his unconscious, sickly state. Did he suddenly go frail and emaciated or he had been taking that form in a while and I was just oblivious of it? I burst into tears, knelt by his bedside, held his hand and began admitting my wrong, as well as pleading for his forgiveness with hope that he was listening, even though he wasn’t responding.
All of a sudden, I felt his hand moved. Through my tear-blurred eyes, I noticed he had come awake. Weakly, he lifted his hand to my face. I could feel it trembling as he caressed my cheek.
He looked peaceful and forgiven as ever, with faint smile across his face that seemed lit as though he was transfigured. His touch made it feel like I was also robbed into the light, I wished that moment would last forever. ‘If wishes were horse, beggars would ride.’ It never occurred to me it was the beginning of his transit to glory.

I took over 3months to grieve my loss. I had never gone off duty for that long. I didn’t care if the management were pleased or not, they could as well have their job back.

‘You don’t know the full worth of a person until you lose him or her.’

Rare gems like my husband are hard to find. The thought of how unlovingly I had treated him often came  haunting me and brought back tears to my eyes at times. I thought that was the only torture I would have to live with, never knew it was just a tip of the iceberg.

I didn’t give remarrying any consideration at all as that would be a tough one. So I chose to focus on my son and raise him the best I can.

Children are said to mirror the adults around them especially the ones they adore, which are usually their parents. They want to brush their teeth like they see you do, sweep the floor like you do, wash dishes like you do, use cutleries like you do. You want your child to imbibe the attitude of prayer, you first cultivate the habit of praying. You want him to give time to studying, let him see you give yourself to reading.

LEAD BY EXAMPLE...........

And don’t expect a saint of a child who sees his father smoke cigarettes all day long. In fact, children are known to often go steps further in what they reflect. So such child might end up smoking pot and crack. Likewise parents who engage in infidelity. Your male child could end up a rapist, not valuing the female folks and female child more or less a prostitute, who has lost her sense of worth.

PARENTS BE MINDFUL OF WHAT YOU REFLECT, THE CHILDREN ARE WATCHING……...

My greatest fear was the kind of man my son would grow up into. I wouldn’t want him to take up his father's passivity, and on the other hand, I feared he could reflect me since he would now be seeing more of me. I saw the need to work on my attitude and so booked sessions with a psychologist. One of the advice my doctor gave was find a church and begin to attend as religion has a way of defining and redefining a person's character. I located one with sound doctrine and became a member. My son soon found belonging and was known by many for the active role he played at the Sunday school.  The minister-in-charge grew fond of him for the confidence with which he expressed himself. I was proud of him and joyful. But would this feeling last for long? TO BE CONTINUED……….
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Note: You might not have heard of the novel ‘Day Of Reckoning’, by the same author. If you haven’t added this novel to the collection of books that grabbed your attention from its first page and you couldn’t let go till you got to its back cover, then you still have this one more to go. Go through its excerpt at the link below and request for your copy. DOWNLOAD IS FREE.
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